Pets.

Boy howdy, do I hate the Romneys and everything they stand for. I despise the whole lot of them--Mitt and Ann and their five identical clone-sons, Tagg, Flugg, Blugg, Gagg, and Boba Fett.

Hate 'em.

But I have to admit that Ann seems to get a lot of enjoyment from her Olympic-caliber dressage horse, "Rafalca." Here's a picture of them both together.

Doesn't she look happy and well-adjusted, standing next to that beautiful animal?

Wait, what? What's that you say? You say that's not "Rafalca" the dressage horse standing next to the lovely Mrs. Romney? You say that's actually Paul Ryan's wife Janna?

Well, I'll be damned. And here I was sure that was "Rafalca." It sure looks like a horse. Hell, I can tell how old it is just by looking at its teeth. 

Boy, do I have egg on my face! Well, anyhow, the point still stands. Having a pet seems to have done wonders for Mrs. Romney's disposition. And as I have tendencies toward crankiness and malcontentism, I thought maybe I should look into getting some pets as well.

I've always had a thing for Sea Monkeys, so I decided to buy some. Seriously, who could resist them? Look at this happy, smiling, perfect aquatic family. Why, they look almost as well-scrubbed and happy and wholesome as the Romneys themselves.

So I went for it and ordered the whole Sea Monkey kit. Boy oh boy, was I excited! I was dreaming of watching these tiny, delicate, underwater humanoids perform their graceful underwater ballet for hours. It was going to be spellbinding. I was just sure of it. 

But upon my initial examination through a magnifying glass, I was a little surprised, and, frankly, disheartened. My Sea Monkeys weren't at all what I'd expected them to be.



Further observation of the Sea Monkeys left me even more disappointed.

Yet further observation revealed the source of the problem. They weren't Sea Monkeys at all. They were... they were... gasp... TEA MONKEYS. 

Heartbroken, I regretfully made the difficult decision to boil the Tea Monkeys alive. It was tough, but it was, undoubtedly, the most humane way to deal with the situation.

Except for the one who expressed serious doubts about my existence. For some reason, I liked him. I decided to let him live.