A Little Skin.

Since the "Nanny Klagg versus Palmerwood" saga is, of necessity, on hold until the impending Palmer twins are born, I decided to try and tide the Minions' insatiable appetite for Palmerian adventure over with...

...a little skin.

In these bleak and joyless days of autumn, when memories of summer vacations are rapidly ebbing away and the days grow shorter and ever more colorless, what could be more welcome than the arrival of the "Palmerwood Illustrated Swimsuit Edition"? Gorgeous beaches, celebrities frolicking under tropical skies, and scenes of a carefree life of surf, sand, and sex?

the Swimsuit Edition--whether that of "Sports Illustrated" or "Palmerwood Illustrated"--is more than just pictures of scantily-clad hotties. It's a passport to the life we all wish we could lead. And it arrives at precisely the time of year when such an escape into fantasy is most needed.

So without further ado... the "Palmerwood Illustrated Swimsuit Edition 2014--Too Hot for Facebook"!!!

Boy, there's nothing like the excitement of seeing the thing arrive, is there? One can almost feel one's fingertips all a-tingle.



I figured we'll roll out the Palmerwood Swimsuit Edition 2014 with the baronial, blue-blooded Palmers themselves on location at the ultraswanky and extremely expensive Vista Del Mar hotel at luxurious Smegaroon Beach. 

I'm always ready for the waves in the Speedo Powerflex racing suit in basic black ($39). Intrepid Stella A. and Young Leo J. enjoy a traditional Palmer family beach activity: the Live Moray Eel Fight. Intrepid Stella A. wears a My Little Pony lycra one-piece ($16.99), and Young Leo J. looks fly in a SpongeBob drawstring suit ($14.99). The Greek takes in a few rays in a Laura Ashley floral print maternity suit ($124). 

And of course, why not let the help get in on the action, as well? Here, my gamekeeper, Oliver de Baliviere, isn't afraid to show his sensitive side in the form of a lovely, delicate butterfly tattoo (who knew?!?) in plaid trunks from J. Crew ($75) as he reels in the catch of the day... and Executive Chef Bechamel de Bouillabaisse grills 'em up beachside sporting the 80's retro classic "Aloha"-patterned Jams World trunks ($32.50) for the full-figured beach bum.

Now, insofar I am an insanely wealthy and glamorous international celebrity, it does occasionally happen that I run into other insanely wealthy international celebrities--even those I don't particularly care for. 

While shooting the "Palmerwood Illustrated Swimsuit Edition 2014" on location at the ultraswanky Vista Del Mar, we bumped into a couple of old "friends"--why, it's Fox News owner and News Corp President and CEO RUPERT MURDOCH, and moronic Fox News personality MEGYN KELLY!

I hadn't encountered these two since my adventure in the Far West, and it was good to catch up. If you haven't seen it yet, you can read this thrilling tale of action and derring-do by clicking here.

Rupert looks...dashing...in a pair of Brooks Brothers Montauk Golden Fleece trunks ($95) and Megyn looks fetching as always in her Classic Locking Ballgag from Xtreme Restraints ($38.50), and leather thong from Leather'N'Heels ($14.99).

How on earth the children's Giant Voracious Carnivorous Salamanders happened to get out of their cages, I have no idea. None. None whatsoever. Honest.

But why should the living have all the fun? The Undead enjoy sun, sand, and surf as well as anyone. Plus the salt kind of pickles them, and helps them keep. Here, some of the Palmerwood zombies are returning to shore after a tubular afternoon. They're sporting the O'Neill Superfreak surfing wetsuit ($290.95) and the RonJon 10" Triple Stringer Veneer classic longboard ($549.00). 

Intrepid Stella A. and Young Leo J.'s nanny and archnemesis, dear old Nanny Klagg, prefers to go "au naturale" at the shore, but we talked her into this charming two-piece Gottex French-cut bikini ($75.95) for the "Palmerwood Illustrated Swimsuit Edition 2014." As dear old Nanny Klagg showers off the beach sand while striking an Elle McPherson-esque pose, JP's feeble-minded but faithful valet, Cubbings, maintains his dignity in this vintage 1904 cotton men's one-piece suit and a Scala straw boater from St. Louis's own Levine Hats ($59.95).
 

And of course, I saved the best for last in this year's "Palmerwood Illustrated Swimsuit Edition." I know what you've been waiting for. We bring this sultry, smoldering Smegaroon saga of surf, salt, sand, sun, and skin to a close with the Palmerwood yetis modeling a little eye candy: the ever-popular Classic Whaletail from Teeny B ($98.00). 

Well, thanks for viewing, Minions. Now back to autumn.