Protecting Missouri's Children--The Rick Brattin Saga.

Missouri, the state of my birth, my residence, and the location of my sprawling, historic, luxurious, and unfortunately-named country estate of Palmerwood, is one of those states where pro-Creationist legislation is currently pending.

Like any number of other state legislators proudly representing districts across the South and Midwest, a few of Missouri's lawmakers apparently didn't get the memo that the issue of whether or not to teach Creationism in public schools was effectively settled in 1925 in Dayton, TN, when John Scopes, represented by Clarence Darrow, won a case prosecuted by William Jennings Bryan. No, these brave holdouts, these proud anachronisms, continue to push forcefully for "equal time" to teach religious mythology alongside accepted science in schools funded by your tax dollars.

The charge in Missouri appears to be led by one RICK BRATTIN, Republican from District 55. And here he is.

Mr. Brattin is a real piece of work ( I mean that in the most complimentary sense possible) who's sponsored quite a lot of interesting legislation, including:

* HB1470, which allows a judge to sentence someone to death by firing squad;
* HB1648, which mandates that all Missouri judges and elected representatives be drug tested; and
* HCR 53, which  strongly urges the United States Congress to continue investigating the September 11, 2012, terrorist attacks on our consulate in Benghazi, Libya.

Which should give you an idea of what end of the political spectrum Rep. Brattin is.

By the way, if you'd like to contact him, here's a link to his official website. And if you'd like to contact him directly, here's his office phone number: 573-751-3783. And click here to send him an email. 

But Rep. Brattin's proposed legislation that I find the most interesting, however, are HB 1472, which "Requires schools teaching the theory of evolution by natural selection to have a policy on parental notification and a mechanism for opting out of such instruction," which means that if a kid's parents don't believe in evolution, their kid can opt out of it, and  HB 1587, which Requires the State Board of Education and other public school entities to encourage students to explore scientific questions and to assist teaching of scientific theories of biological or chemical evolution.

Which would sound more or less kosher until you read the bill itself, which says, "Neither the state board of education, nor any public elementary or secondary school governing authority, superintendent of schools, or school system administrator, nor any public elementary or se condary school principal or administrator shall prohibit any  teacher in a public school system of this state from helping students understand, analyze, critique, and review in an objective manner the scientific strengths and scientific weaknesses of biological or chemical evolution whenever these subjects are taught within the course curriculum schedule."

Which means that if a teacher wishes to teach Creationism--or, as it's now being called, "Intelligent Design," otherwise known as the "God of the Gaps" theory (if we can't explain it, yet, then it's clear God did it), it would be illegal to stop 'em doing it.

Naturally, as a Missouri father, I'm all in favor of anything that protects our kiddies. And as viewers of this blog will know, one of my primary concerns is keeping the lil' pishers safe from Yeti attacks.

Matter of fact, I was so encouraged by both Rep. Brattin's concern for the safety of Missouri's schoolchildren and by his openmindedness concerning legends and folklore that I wrote him a letter. Which is below.

Representative Rick Brattin
MO House of Representatives
201 West Capitol Avenue
Room 114C
Jefferson City, MO 65101                                                                                                                                                                                                                           July 9, 2014


Dear Representative Brattin, 

What a shame it is I don’t live in a district which you represent! You, sir, as a true American patriot and a defender of all the values that we REAL Americans hold so dear, are on the front lines of defending Missouri from liberals, atheists, secular humanists, Communists, abortionists, and other Democrats. Even a quick look at some of the bills you’ve either sponsored or co-sponsored clearly illustrates your values, your steadfast dedication to the American way, and your true commitment to the ideals of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

HJR61, for example, “Proposes a constitutional amendment on the right to bear arms and to possess and purchase ammunition and parts for such arms”! Can I get an “AMEN”? Considering what’s happening in Washington, clearly Missouri NEEDS its own Amendment safeguarding our right to bear arms and buy all the ammo and parts.

Or there’s HB 1471, which “Requires all inmates receiving an on-site non-emergency medical examination or treatment from correctional center personnel to be charged fifty cents per visit.” Charge inmates for medical care? Darn skippy. That’ll teach ‘em. 

Or HB 1649, which “Modifies provisions related to the tort liability associated with the concealed carry of firearms.” God bless you, sir! I don’t see why we should be indemnified for anything that could possibly go wrong when we’re peaceably exercising our Second Amendment Constitutional Rights! 

But the one that REALLY set my patriotic/Christian values all a-flutter was HB 1472, which “Requires schools teaching the theory of evolution by natural selection to have a policy on parental notification and a mechanism for opting out of such instruction.” Let them opt out of learning science if it contradicts their religious beliefs? Amen to THAT. 

And I couldn’t help but notice that HB 1649 comes on the heels of HB 1587, which “Requires the State Board of Education and other public school entities to encourage students to explore scientific questions and to assist teaching of scientific theories of biological or chemical evolution.” 

Now, that one did raise my eyebrows a little. You, sir, introduced a bill which encourages students to explore scientific questions? I was shocked because, as you know, encouraging students to explore scientific questions can lead to Secular Humanism, atheism, and homosexuality. 

But then I read the bill and it all made sense. Section 2 says, “Neither the state board of education, nor any public elementary or secondary school governing authority, superintendent of schools, or school system administrator, nor any public elementary or secondary school principal or administrator shall prohibit any teacher in a public school system of this state from helping students understand, analyze, critique, and review in an objective manner the scientific strengths and scientific weaknesses of biological or chemical evolution whenever these subjects are taught within the course curriculum schedule.”

And I realized that you want to make it illegal for anyone to interfere with a teacher who wants to teach Creationism. Got it.

Since you, Representative Brattin, have proven to be a staunch protector of Missouri’s schoolchildren from the evils of Secular Humanism, I figured you’d be the perfect elected official to write to in regard to another dire threat to our state’s schoolchildren’s well-being. And that threat is yetis.

For many years, I’ve been warning people about the threat posed by these hideous, shaggy hominids. The threat is obvious. They’re big, powerful, vicious beasts with great big teeth and the strength of many men. Just to prove my point, here’s a photograph of their footprints which I found on the internets:

We can infer, from this footprint, that they are really big. And if they’re that big, then they’re very powerful. And if they’re that powerful, they’re dangerous. And if they’re dangerous, then our Missouri schoolchildren need to be protected from them. This is only common sense.

I’ve been tireless in my advocacy of yeti preparedness, but to no avail. People simply won’t listen. I’ve been told that protecting Missouri schoolchildren from yetis is a complete and utter waste of time, because there’s no conclusive proof of their existence (in spite of the footprints), that all the available evidence is contradicted by almost every branch of science and common sense, and that you’d have to be a complete idiot to believe in them. Well, you could say the EXACT SAME THING about Creationism! In support of both of our causes, permit me to quote from a recent article about yetis I found on the internets: 

 
If populations of yetis — like Bigfoot — really exist, they have somehow managed to avoid leaving any physical traces of their presence: no bodies, bones, teeth, hair, scat, or anything else. Of course, just because these creatures have never been found is not conclusive proof that they don't exist. All new evidence should be carefully and scientifically analyzed. (Benjamin Radford, “Russians Claim ‘Indisputable Proof’ of Yeti”, LiveScience.com, Oct. 2011). 

Well, I couldn’t agree more, could you? The fact that no evidence exists for it is NOT CONCLUSIVE PROOF that it’s not real, that it shouldn’t be carefully and scientifically analyzed—and that it shouldn’t be taught in our schools!

Since we agree on that, I thought you’d be the perfect person to introduce a YETI PREPARATION INSTRUCTION BILL in the General Assembly. Please do so at the very next session. Our schoolchildren are too precious to allow them to be vulnerable to attacks by yetis. I’d like the bill to mandate the following: 

1. That our children are taught to recognize yetis when they see, hear, or smell them.

2. That our children be trained in proper firearm use to wound or kill yetis when they attack.
3. That a trained Yeti Specialist be retained by every school in Missouri (to be maintained at the district’s expense) in case of a yeti attack.
4. That materials used to teach our precious schoolchildren yeti preparedness be reviewed annually to assure that methodology is in line with the most current advances in science. 

I stand at the ready to assist you in preparing and presenting this bill to the Missouri House of Representatives. For many years, I’ve been assiduously collecting evidence of their existence, and I’d be happy to share the results of my research with you if it would help make the case for your Yeti Preparedness Bill. Please get back to me at your earliest convenience and let me know how the bill is progressing. 

Sincerely, your proud fellow Missourian,

James Palmer
And because I'm a helpful chap, I've been hard at work on a series of YETI AWARENESS POSTERS to raise awareness and concern about yeti attacks.

And this one...





























The struggle to keep our children safe from the depredations of yetis, secular humanism, and scabies never ends, friends. It... never... ends.

Staving Off the Doldrums

The tiny Palmerlet poppets, Intrepid Stella A. and Young Leo J., have, like so many American children, a disturbing tendency to fall into the summer screen doldrums. Those of us who have reached the point in our lives where mortality seems less an abstract concept than an inevitable and disturbingly rapidly approaching event are frequently bemused and frustrated by this.

I reached boiling point the other day after I heard the "Adventure Time" theme music playing for what must have been the 27th time that day. Enough was enough. Action, I decided, must be taken.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE," I shouted, throwing down my pipe, my snifter of 137 year-old brandy, and my leather-bound, gold-embossed, 15th century copy of "The Decameron" (and I'd just reached a good part, too) and stomping into the nursery, "TURN OFF THAT IPOD. AND THAT IPAD. AND THE COMPUTER. AND THE WII. AND THE NETFLIX. AND EVERY OTHER FLICKERING IMAGE ON A FLAT SCREEN. GO OUTSIDE. GET SUNLIGHT. GET FRESH AIR. IT'S SUMMER, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. NO ONE EVER SAID TO THEMSELVES, 'GOSH, WISH I'D SPENT A LITTLE MORE TIME PLAYING "ANGRY BIRDS" IN JULY' IN THE MIDDLE OF FEBRUARY. GO."

Well! I'm pleased to report that the Palmerlings heeded my gently-offered advice. Out they got. I hadn't quite expected that they'd put the inhabitants of the falcon-mews to quite the use that they did, but at least they're outside and active.

Even during rainy days, there's no reason to sit around like a pancake in front of flickering images. I've encouraged the tiny Palmerkins to use all the boundless energy and ingenuity of childhood to keep themselves amused when weather necessitates staying indoors. I'm pleased to report my efforts have been successful.

"Mens sana in corpore sano," as Juvenal said, "A healthy mind in a healthy body." Take a page from the small Palmerels' book, minions, and so long as the good Lord grants us health and mobility--stay active!

The Consequences of Sleep Deprivation.

Fatherhood is a rewarding, but a sometimes slightly dicey, proposition. We paterfamiliae are vested with a truly awesome amount of responsibility.

Which, sometimes, we do not do justice.

During a recent sleepless night--not an uncommon occurrence in paternity--I had occasion to retire to the scullery for a cup of tea. The young Palmerlets were restless as well, and, in my sleep-deprived haze, I thought that perhaps some milk and cookies might well return them to Slumberland.

However, I realized--too late--that, quelle horreur, I'd broken one of the cardinal rules of parenthood: never feed the lil' sprouts after midnight. Any devotee of 80's era movies knows this.

The resulting chaos was handled by a quick trip to the pediatrician in the morning, but lesson learned...